A Need of a Wife–to Feel Needed

I recently gained a helpful insight into the emotional “needs” of a wife, in particular the wife of a pastor and it was reinforced this morning as I was having coffee with my bride at our local java house. My first Call was to a dual parish which allowed me a lot of time at home with my family, because the churches were small and the meetings were minimal. Currently I serve a congregation that is larger, with more responsibility, more meetings, more time away from home, but also perhaps more fulfilling for me as a pastor.

My wife was very happy for me that I was in a congregation where the Ministry of the Word was very much appreciated by the majority of its members. From her perspective, however, it also seemed like I didn’t need her help and assistance as much as I did in the other congregations. Brothers in Office–your wife wants you to need her. She is your helper and your God-given assistant. Help her to see that she is needed, especially if you are in a particularly fulfilling Call. Remind her that your happiness is not derived solely from the congregation and its members.

Ironically, though this was not her perception, I actually needed her more when I came here, precisely because I was busier, and more exhausted than I was before. But the devil is ever-cunning, and knows how to play on a woman’s emotions. She felt that I needed her less, when the opposite was true. These things don’t come out if you don’t communicate with your wife, and particularly if all you ever do is talk about your “mistress” (Let the reader understand…) when you are with her.

A helper needs to know that you need her help. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” Thanks for reading.


About Rev. Paul L. Beisel

Graduate of Concordia Theological Seminary, Fort Wayne, IN in 2001 (M Div.) and 2004 (S.T.M.); LC-MS Pastor and Adjunct Instructor for John Wood Community College; Husband of Amy and father of Susan, Elizabeth, Martin, and Theodore.
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2 Responses to A Need of a Wife–to Feel Needed

  1. still being in the first situation you describe, could you go into a little further detail about how she had the impression at the dual parish that you needed her more, and how now she felt you needed her less? In other words, unless it divulges personal details you’d rather keep between her and yourself, can you give any examples she brought up?

  2. Amy Beisel says:

    If I may be so bold as to reply…it was that I felt as if he needed me to be stronger, emotionally, for him. It is as simple as that. I was his cheerleader through it all, I gave him the encouragement he needed, I could tell when he was down and struggling.

    Please note all the “I”s in that paragragh. Although growth in the role of pastor’s wife is different for everyone, I seem to grow slowly and generally kicking and screaming the whole way down this path. It is not easy and I am still learning how to be a faithful and devout wife, regardless of if my husband is a pastor.

    I do believe, however, that being the wife of a pastor has specific challenges. The devil will tempt a pastor’s wife much differently than the wife of a lawyer, as an example. Emotionally, it can be draining. Although there is generally a great deal of flexibility as far as family time is concerned, there are nights when my husband is in meetings. And most importantly, pastor’s don’t have a time clock to punch at the end of the day. They are called. All of that can make or break a woman.

    I have watched my husband blossom at our current congregation and for that I am always pleased and eternally thankful. My frame of mind needs to change, not his. It is a great learning process for me!

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